Transforming Painful Emotions

Dealing with our painful emotions such as anger, shame, guilt, fear, grief, and loneliness are challenging for all of us. They rise up at the most inconvenient times and hang around when we want them to go away. We don't often think of the benefits that negative emotions bring.

Evelyn and James Whitehead in their book, Transforming Our Painful Emotions, give concrete examples of how to handle these emotions in healthy ways. They guide readers through the dark, uncomfortable territory to discover gifts most of us never think about.

Anger at some injustice can make us take action to right the wrong. Shame helps us protect our personal dignity. Guilt gives us the impetus to maintain our personal integrity. Loneliness can aid us in our search for intimacy. Fear alerts us to dangerous situations and can lead to courage. By dealing with our grief we can open ourselves to hope.

The Whiteheads warn against clinging to these painful emotions and getting stuck. If we wallow in our anger, grief, or guilt, we can be filled with regret and self-pity. We need to learn how to cross the bridge from raw pain to suffering and eventually new life. Sometimes we need the help of a counselor or support group to make this possible.

"Befriending negative emotions is a lifelong adventure," the Whiteheads point out. It is a gradual process to name them, tame them, and discover their potential for growth. Other people can serve as models for handling them in healthy ways; rituals of grieving and reconciliation can help us cross the bridge.

Patience is required to reap the benefits of our painful emotions. If we flee from them, we will not learn from them. According to the Whiteheads, "Patience is the ability to hold still under threat until we can discern what is at stake." For Aquinas, if we want to live life to the fullest, we have to learn to cope with the sorrows and losses along the way.